I know, I know- I’ve said this many times but this time it’s so very true. Actually it’s not even so much that my life has changed but that I’ve changed. I’ve been making different choices, working harder at being happy and just going with the flow in a completely different way.

So with that I’ve been wanting to leave behind a lot of the things I associate with the old me. The me that didn’t feel open to being happy and didn’t stand up for myself. And that includes this blog.

I’ve been posting regularly at http://memoriesinprint.tumblr.com/ and I hope you’ll all join me there.

Thank you so much!

The Beach

Isbella, on the shore, stands wanting,
alone, barefoot.
The ocean fills the spaces between her toes.
Her  flowered dress- a thin cotton,
changes color as the dipping sun
sets the world ablaze.

The wind grows cool as
the evening courts the shoreline.
Her skin tightens from its caresse.
She rubs her arms for warmth.

In the distance,
children are playing,
running,
towels around their necks.
Heroes they will be.
To someone, someday.

She watches the ocean as it
deposits trophies at her feet.
Some new.
Some old.
But like her, all forgotten.

Feverishly,
she reaches for the sky to
pull a memory from a cloud or
feeling from the wind.
Any feeling at all.
Nothing.

She waits,
heart pounding,
eyes filling with sand and water,
Nothing comes.
Only more waves lapping at her feet.
She realizes her obsessions have become cumbersome.
And today is just another day
at the beach.

I was told that in order to get through life sometimes the best thing to do was have little or no expectations but always have hope. I know I know- expectations and hope- what’s the big difference?

Expectation: In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centred on the future, may or may not be realistic.

Hope: is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.

I find whenever I expect things of others I get disappointed. It’s not easy and it hurts every time. I think it’s one of my least favorite things. I don’t deal well with disappointment.

So I tried changing my outlook on things. Now I don’t expect anything from anyone but I always hope for the best. It’s made it so that when something negative happens I accept it that much easier, and when something good happens it means so much more to me then it ever could have in the past.

I have found that now my appreciation for all of the little things has really grown and life has become so much more satisfying. I never feel that anything is “owed” to me I feel that I am lucky to experience everything I do and that the good times make things that much more sweet.

Now it’s your turn! Tell me: What was the best advice you ever received?

Pendulum

My grandmother said you
were beautiful
and your voice was like
the sound of the first birds of spring
and your long black tresses
fell like the shadow of the moon
on the face of the unmoving sea.

You left your young love
for the city of crowded storefronts
and muddy streets,
a servant girl from Carmanville,
far from your home in the little cove,
where rocky cliffs and rolling
meadows leapfrogged
in the face of the blue
and boundless deep.

But in the end they say
this was the way the thing went:
frantic whispers as creaking steps
approached the wooden door;
his hand across your open mouth
and the long descent
into perfect blackness
you and the child dangling above
the feet you saw so firmly planted
upon the attic floor.

I went back through anything I had saved and realized that I haven’t sat down and written anything of my own since April 2008- and that’s just far too long! Over two years and I’m not very happy with myself for that.

So here I am nervous as can be -and I really am nervous I don’t share these things very often- about sharing my last/latest work. I hope you enjoy it!

I’d Like

I’d like to sit beside you
and tell you all the things
I can’t tell anyone else.
All the things I’m so scared of,
the things I wish I never knew
the songs I wish that I could sing
and the things I think about while washing my hair in the morning.

I’d like to lay beside you
and show you all broken parts of me
I know nobody wants to see.
All of the chaos in my mind,
the stolen innocences
the lost possibilities
and the scared little girl I hide.

I’d like to sit beside you
and tell you all the things
I’ve always hidden from everyone else.
All the ways I hurt myself so that no one could ever hurt me first,
the dreams I have each night
the choices I’ve made I shouldn’t have
and the energy I spend pretending to be happy with the life I lead.

I’d like to lay beside you
and show you all the things
I have to hide from everyone else.
All the love I have to give,
the truth inside of me
the reality of who I am
and the part of me that longs to be taken care of.

I’d like to sit beside you
and tell you all the things you do
that keep you on my mind.
All the ways you make me laugh,
the way you make me feel like I mean more than I thought I might
the nervous way you run your hand through your hair when you look at me
the way just sitting across the room from you can warm me like a fire,
and the way your voice runs through my brain down to my toes and fills me up like nothing else.

I’d like to lay beside you
and say nothing.

So there you have it- my first time sharing anything I’ve written in a very long time and I hope you all enjoyed it! Thanks so much for reading this week!

Because of this I find I’ve often resigned myself to not having personal gain. Not acting in my own best interests because I somehow considered that selfish.

In someways I feel like I’ve been asleep for the past few years. I’ve been here, living, working, breathing- but I haven’t been doing it for me I’ve been doing it for other people. It’s not really living if you’re not reaching out for something. If you don’t have goals or things you’re looking forward to.

I’ve decided not to do that anymore. I’m becoming more vocal and personally active in my new relationship, asking for things I never would have thought I could receive in the past- and to my surprise I’m getting them!

I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting things. I’m feeling amazing and empowered and just overall better about myself as a person. Who knew that being selfless was a poor goal? I guess it’s true it’s all just about finding that happy and stable medium.

I’m looking forward to sharing this new more selfish me with you all- thanks for reading!

Maya Angelou

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size.
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman.
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout of jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

The Cinnamon Peeler

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they
approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler’s wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
-your keen nosed mother, your rough
brothers.
I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers…

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter’s wife, the lime burner’s
daughter.
And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.

and knew

what good is it
to be the lime burner’s daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of
scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peelers wife.
Smell me.

I hope you enjoyed my choice this week!

1) I’m the oldest of four children. Well actually that’s not entirely accurate. I also have an ex-common law relations brother and a current common law relations sister. So that makes six.  All that really accomplishes is making me feel old the majority of the time as I watch them all grow up.

2) I have been drug free for two years and nine months. I can’t believe that three years ago I was so entirely bogged down by weed that I didn’t buy groceries, pay my bills or leave my house. I don’t want to depend on anything like that ever again.

3) I am remarkably good at taking whatever is thrown by way. My life hasn’t given me any other option. It’s good to be adaptable.

4)I’ve moved houses more times than you can count on two hands. I’m never scared to pick up and go. When it comes time to get out I’ll be the first one ready and waiting and basically have packing all my worldly goods away down to a science. Really I can pack my entire life in less than 3 hours and go. It’s quite a skill.

5) I’m not a naturally tidy person. I wasn’t born with the tidy gene and it’s not something I was ever really taught at home. I have trained myself fairly well but every once and awhile things pile up and get messy.

6) I think my ideal “job” in life would be just to be a mother. It’s not practical for me anytime soon but I can’t think of anything I want more than to just be a mom. I feel like that’s what I’m here to do.

7)I used to be so shy that my Aunts and Uncles thought I was stuck up because I was too scared to talk to them. I don’t know what happened to change that because now I’m not very shy at all. Sometime in high school things changed. I kind of just say screw it they either like me or they don’t and I’m not going to worry about it anymore.

8)This past month was the first time in almost six years that I had a bank account in my name or carried cash on my person. It seemed like every time I had money in the past it was stolen from me for a very long period of time. I had to bite the bullet and deal with that though, because I don’t have anyone else to carry my money anymore. Plus it’s just for the best.

9)Ask me any question and I will answer you honestly. I don’t lie if I can help it anymore. I lied constantly for a really long time and don’t ever want to feel that I can’t be honest.

10) This is the first time since I was 18 that I haven’t had any bills or responsibility. While I appreciate certain aspects of this situation I miss being responsible for things even more that I like being relaxed.

11) I don’t often allow people to do things for me. I have an issue with depending on someone else. I need to be able to take care of myself. If I can’t take care of something on my own then it’s probably not something I’m going to do.

12) I have recently found a boy who is incredibly interesting and makes me want to learn new things, go places and live a little more of an exciting life. It makes me smile.

13) I don’t think I’ve ever laughed or smiled as much as I do now. I guess not being responsible for anything really does take a huge load off.

14) I love all the people in my family so much but I have to be careful to set good limits. I can easily be pulled into the war zone.

15) I love to sing. I sing all the time. I don’t really worry who hears me. I plan on learning how to play the guitar so I can strum a tune and sing along. Preferably around a campfire.

16) Someday I want to live somewhere with a vegetable garden, goat and some chickens. I want something a little more simple in my life.

17) I remember way too much. If I care about you I can probably remember in great detail the majority of interactions we have ever had. I can’t help it. I may even remember what you were wearing. It creeps people out sometimes.

18) I am very intuitive and usually my gut feelings are correct.

19) I have been known to dream things right before they happen. On 3 occasions I have woken up from a dream in the middle of the night and gotten to the phone before it rang. It’s not really all that fun.

20) I cannot tell you how much it means to me to find someone who shares my tastes in music. I was shocked at how much it meant to me when I did.

21) I always feel like I wish I was more artistic but I’m really just not. I can be slightly crafty. When I am having a stressful time I always end up tearing pages out of magazines and cutting, gluing and folding them into envelopes. There are hundreds of magazine envelopes in a box somewhere that I’ve made.

22) I haven’t had a job that didn’t pay cash in over six years. It’s time I got back to the real world I think.

23) I’m lactose intolerant, which gets to be a big problem because most of my favorite foods involve cheese. I’m getting better at not overdoing the dairy, but it’s tricky. Sometimes I eat it anyway, and prepare for the stomach ache. I’ve never had a stomach ache like the ones I get from too much dairy.

24) I love to read and never leave a book unfinished even if I don’t enjoy it. I like to know the whole story.

25) When I hear a new song I always look up the lyrics. If I don’t like the words I probably won’t listen to it again.

So that’s 25 things you probably didn’t know about me! Maybe some will come in handy someday and maybe you won’t remember them tomorrow but either way I’m happy to have shared them with you! I ‘d love to see 25 things I don’t know about you floating around as well!

Sylvia Plath  (October 27, 1932-Febuary 11, 1963) was an American poet, novelist, short story author and children’s author. While Sylvia is probably best known for her novel The Bell Jar, and her personal trials one of my personal favorite pieces of her work is actually quite simple and about a fungus. That’s right, a fungus.

Mushrooms

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

And for a little added fun because one of my favorite artists Ryan Adams has a great song called Sylvia Plath (which has been stuck in my head all day leading to this post); Please enjoy!